Importance of Self Confidence
It’s attainable by everyone, yes, even you.
You yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe deserves your love and affection
I remember as a child being told to always hold my head up high.
To always have confidence in myself and everything I do. I never really understood the importance of self confidence until I grew up and tried living my life elegantly.
I wanted to be confident
But having low self esteem would not work. There was always doubt in my mind that I wasn’t good enough. I rarely ever looked good enough and those few moments where I was content – they never lasted very long.
Looking back, it was a sad existence. But what I think is more sad, honestly, is that this feeling of inadequacy is not an isolated event. Many women live every day with low self esteem, no confidence and feelings of never being good enough!
The good thing is that I realized it didn’t have to be like that. I didn’t have to continue with low self esteem, but I needed to find out what causes lack of self confidence.
So naturally, I began looking at the beginning. My childhood.
Was it my upbringing?
Perhaps it was my school life?
Could it have been my choice in friends?
Or, was it none of the above and it was a personal hoop that I would have to jump through in order to become the woman I was meant to?
Before I jump to any conclusions, I needed to understand confidence a little bit more. I wanted to know how to get confidence.
This post contains affiliate links and if you purchase anything on these links I may receive a small compensation.
What is Self Confidence and Why is it Important
It’s funny because for something as important as self confidence, it is hard to describe, and even harder to obtain.
Does it mean to be sure of oneself?
All the time?
Are you born with it?
Perhaps it is to understand who he or she is?
Or something as simple as just accepting oneself as whoever they are, regardless of what that may be? Without any regard to change.
I want to believe they are all right, to some degree.
I think I can safely say every day the definition changes a bit. Although the dictionary definition remains unaltered, the way self confidence feels and lives changes – constantly.
What is confidence?
It’s about trusting yourself with what comes your way, not that you’ll know exactly what to do, but that you can depend on yourself that everything will be okay. It’s that reassuring voice in your head saying that “you are enough!”. Your focus isn’t on what you lack or what you’re missing – but on what you have and what you can do with it.
Why is it Important?
In order to live a fulfilled and elegant life, self confidence is that piece of the puzzle that you need. Where when you combine it with the other elegant traits can and will enhance your life. There are less regrets, less doubts and more moments of happy self reflection.
To be more specific, confidence is essential for elegance because it radiates off of you all day long. People notice something different about you, they will respect you more. And I am pretty sure you will know from life experience that demanding respect is not an easy feat.
Having confidence prevents you from overthinking, fixating, and obsessing.
I don’t know about you, but when you do something that you feel stupid about, it keeps replaying over and over again. Now that is far from living an elegant life. Living elegantly gives you that beautiful freedom from that. I used to be terrible with obsessing over any stupid or embarrassing moment. But with focusing on increasing my elegance, my confidence grew and I barely fixate on anything negative.
1) Remember no one cares.
2) There is no right or wrong way to be confident. Do whatever feels right and comes natural.
3) Everyone is beautiful. On those “bad days”, remember that there is something enticing about you. Never feel truly ugly because you are not!
4) Get outside of yourself. When we are trying to fix ourselves, we are so focused on ourselves that it can consume us and we get frustrated. Remember that, although we are important, at the same time we are tiny, There is a big world out there with more problems. Sometimes when I change my mind frame this way, my bad day doesn’t seem as bad.
5) Clean. Yup, organize your closet. Get rid of clutter and you will feel a million times better.
6) Compliment someone else. Genuinely I might add. The high of doing this will stick with you longer and you’ll feel wonderful.
Sounds easy enough?
But sadly it takes a bit more effort that just thinking about it. It is a decision about your lifestyle, it’s about the way you want to live. But most importantly it’s wanting to truly accept the freedom and not be afraid.
It’s crazy to say that some women are scared to live their life with confidence – because it can be difficult. It’s easy to hide behind something that is not completely real. I know how this might sound – like it doesn’t make much sense. But choosing to live with confidence can be very rewarding, It can be the difference between being happy, content, and feeling fulfilled.
The false idea is that it is easier to live a lie a facade, then it is to be the quirky woman you are. You see it over and over again when people start living their truth, the burden is lifted off and they are free.
Why do You Need Self Confidence
Imagine this scenario, you need to run some errands at a local store, or go see a friend for coffee and be terrified at the idea of leaving.
Not because you’re afraid of going outside – but because you are too scared of what others will think.
How you’ll be judged is too much to bear.
You’ll be too wrapped in the idea that what others think, putting their thoughts and considerations ahead of your own.
You might think that I am exaggerating, that it is a rare scenario. And I would have agreed with you, but talking more and more to people I am seeing that it’s their reality. Their confidence is so shattered and weak that one “bad” stare could ruin them for the entire day. That’s why I feel like this post needs to be written and shared. We need to lift each other up.
It can become this heavy and debilitating weight on your shoulders and if you don’t get ahold of it, it can truly ruin your life. You’ll be forever seeking not only approval but everything from others.
You won’t be happy unless you get the recognition and approval of others. Which you can never control.
As I’ve mentioned before, it becomes an obsession that can be all consuming.
This is a dangerous road to follow for a couple of reasons. One that your “true friends” aren’t actually true friends and they’ll tell you what you want to hear until they decide that that’s enough. It can lead to more loneliness, which affects your confidence even more!
Two, you might have very judging and jealous friends that try to bring everyone down to their level of “happiness”. Which means that they’ll say anything good or bad, to help themselves. These “friends” are suffering themselves from a lack of self esteem and self love.
You don’t need to avoid them, but take everything they say with a grain of salt.
If you’re not confident in yourself, it changes the way people look at you.
The way you treat yourself mirrors how you expect others to treat you.
Expect more. Receive more.
You need self confidence because you’re worth it. You deserve to live the life you love. To live with excitement, passion and joy. You do that by embracing yourself with all your flaws and quirks.
The life you want is possible only when you have the confidence to live it!
Love yourself because it isn’t someone else’s job – that is why you need self confidence!
Can Confidence Be Taught?
The answer is YES!
Which is the best news I can give you because that means you have the power inside of yourself!
You can choose to boost yourself every single day, or to knock yourself down.
It’s all a matter of your personal choice.
Now, this may seem wildly easy to put down on paper, even to start at home. Feeling like you have the confidence at home (where no one is around), is an amazing start! Going out in the real world may take more effort because it is terrifying! That’s where the people are with their judgemental brains!
I find it amazing the power we give to complete strangers.
When we look at the mirror and we genuinely like what we see, all is needed to ruin the day is a weird sideways stare from a stranger to make us second guess our decision to wear that shirt we love.
An elegant woman has the confidence in herself to accept any stares (good or bad, or even neutral!) and take them with a grain of salt.
Because frankly, that’s what they are – but our insecure part of our brain can take over and start chirping in our ear. What is it saying?
If you listen carefully, it is usually saying the same few things.
It is going through our rolodex of insecurities, and reading them to us until we believe them.
It’s happened to me, to my mom, my sister, my friends, and I’m sure it has happened to you.
If you can understand that your confidence begins when you minimize your insecurities then you’ll have a gushing fountain of confidence that won’t run dry! Confidence can be taught by simply repeating the truth that you are an amazing woman.
That you are too beautiful for words. The truth that the world would not be the same without you. Now the hard part?
Allowing yourself to believe it.
Is Confidence a Skill?
Seeing as confidence can be taught then I would assume that it is a skill. A life skill to be exact. It is useful in so many areas in life where being confident will open doors and opportunities.
A skill is something you must practice in order to get better or not lose it.
The same applies for maintaining your confidence through the hard times in your life – all the way until the end.
But who really wants something else to work on?
I realize it doesn’t sound riveting, but it isn’t something you need to take time out of your day. This is something, a choice, you make all day long. Your mentality, your choices, your thoughts, it all should be peppered with the idea that you are an elegant woman.
An elegant woman who is sure of herself. You are an elegant woman of confidence.
The hardest part about learning and honing a skill is the lack of practice.
We take other skills and try to become better at them. We put more importance on cooking, working, driving — why not confidence?
I would consider it a life skill that needs to be one of yours.
You need to do it often enough that it becomes second nature. In order to start perfecting your skill, I think we need to understand the first steps of building self confidence.
Building Self Confidence
I like to think of building self confidence is comparable to a ladder.
You need to get their one step at a time. You can’t reach the top without slowly going through the whole ladder.
One big flaw that I’ve seen too many people suffer from is changing too much too fast.
This happens all the time when people go on diets or want to have a lifestyle change. I understand the idea, if you want to do something then you’re all in – but it can be too difficult.
We are a delicate species who don’t like change – so be gentle.
Unfortunately, too many of us fail, feel utterly defeated and give up (me).
This is a vicious cycle!
Trust me, I’ve been through this many times. I decided to take things slower, realize life happens slowly so a drastic change should be the same as well.
The takeaway: Building self confidence takes time. Love yourself and be patient, it will come.
How to Build Self Confidence
To start building self confidence, look to yourself and write a list of everything you like about yourself.
Pretend that you’re writing a list if you were your friend, sometimes it’s easier to say good things about others than yourself.
Be easy on yourself. If you are struggling, that is okay.
If you are on a path to loving yourself deeper, be patient and always give yourself grace.
It may take some more effort because it can be that you are rewiring your brain from self-loathing to self love.
Let’s examine the list.
See how many wonderful qualities that you possess.
Now, everytime you begin to doubt yourself or feel not good enough, read this list over and over again. Especially if you are going through a break-up, for example, and he leaves you broken hearted – look at that list. He left a person who is (insert good quality).
It would sound like this:
He left a person who is loyal, he didn’t want someone who was respectful and loving. He would rather not be with someone who is supportive.
You see what happened there?
You took what was something that was hurtful and turned it around with your amazing qualities. There are SO many people out there that would LOVE to be with a woman who was loyal, respectful, loving and supportive. The way you think about yourself may need to be rewired, but the good thing is, it can be.
Another effective way to gain confidence in yourself is to put your life into perspective. In more than one way. Not only with what is important, but also in how others see and think of you. How many times have you thought about how stupid you felt doing something and how the other people thought of you?
First let’s just think of it like this. How much of YOUR day do you spend criticizing and judging others? Even if they aren’t around? Is it very often? I am going to assume no, not really.
Now, how much of your day do you spend critiquing yourself? Or thinking of how embarrassing you are out in public? I am going to safely assume more often.
If I am right, then you just proved a good point.
No one is sitting there just judging you.
Let this sink in.
Let this penetrate your mind!
No matter how stupid you felt, no one is just sitting there stewing in your stupidity. Only you are.
Not convinced? How about another example is when you feel insecure because of the clothes you choose to wear that day. In reality, no one really notices. There isn’t very many people that care more about others than themselves. Think about it this way, do you judge others with what they are wearing? Now the ones that you do, and actually take time out of your day to be “concerned” about it, chances are that you are secretly jealous.
No need to beat yourself up about it, but try to remember that next time someone else is making you feel insecure, it is most likely because you look amazing and they are secretly wishing they looked as good as you!
As rude as that sounds, there is a freedom that comes with that.
Don’t fall into the trap where you need to please others more than yourself.
Realize and allow to make yourself happy. If that means not following the norm – then so be it! By treading your water a little differently will make you shine and only build your confidence!
But as a quick note: When I refer to not caring about others, I’m talking about their thoughts and opinions (the ones that don’t matter).
Being elegant is about having the confidence to wear what YOU want and feeling good in YOUR own skin. But always try to make others feel good about themselves. Especially when you know they are insecure fragile beings just as we can be.
Thirdly, building self confidence is about self love.
When you boil it down, that is all what it is all about. By practicing positive self talk, you are able to see what the low signs of confidence are and try to work on them!
What are the Signs of Low Confidence?
The crazy thing about confidence is that one day you can be confident, give yourself all the positive self talk, and be the definition of self confidence – and one stupid thing can have you start doubting yourself.
Many times we confuse people with self confidence with nothing affecting them, and while that is not entirely false, it does mean that little things aren’t going to shake them terribly.
But sometimes too much confidence can be the opposite. It’s called overcompensation and I’ll be referring to this later.
But before I get into how to have confidence, what are the signs of low confidence?
Here’s one that is almost always present: Lie, constantly.
1) Doubting and questioning everything
- Even for no reason, you constantly feel that you’re not good enough
- It doesn’t even matter if someone compliments you or says something flattering — you don’t believe it.
2) You walk a little hunched over
- Yup, it’s true. When you have a lack of self confidence you tend to make yourself smaller. You look down more and therefore you hunch over.
- When you’re struggling with self-esteem, you don’t walk proud. Even if you try to fix it and remind yourself to stand straight, if you don’t fix the root of the problem, then you will again be walking hunched over.
3) You think everyone is talking about you – even if it doesn’t make sense.
- No matter what the circumstance is, you think that people around you are making fun of you.
- Even if they aren’t talking – you think that they are mentally judging you. It isn’t logical.
- It creates a state of insecurity that can be paralyzing because there isn’t a clear reason – it is all fabricated. No amount of outside reassuring will fix this.
4) You have bad fashion sense, at least in your eyes.
- Think back to when you were feeling a little blue, I can almost guarantee that you didn’t put that much effort into your looks.
- Partly because you don’t want to look in the mirror and other part is you don’t feel that you deserve to look nice. I realize this sounds very mean, but it is true,
5) You don’t care what you eat, or how you feel
- To be more specific, you disregard the consequences of what eating poorly can do to your body. A good example is when you overeat you feel terrible, but you don’t really care.
- You may even feel that you don’t deserve to look good or feel good.
- The way that you treat yourself is how you feel. You feel amazing, you’ll eat amazing (the opposite is true too)
There are many more traits of having no self confidence or low self esteem, but the main factor is that you are telling yourself lies.
Lies that you’re not beautiful enough, skinny enough, funny enough, tall enough, short enough, basically you repeat the lies that you’re not good enough in different ways.
Another sad similarity is that you feel that you don’t deserve (fill in the blank).
But the good thing about this is that we can work on it! Your mentality can change.
If one of these sounds familiar or something that you do, don’t be discouraged because you can and will improve your confidence. These attributes will be a thing of the past.
It is possible and I know you can do it!
What is the Difference Between Confidence and Overconfidence?
True, overconfidence is something that is quite rare in real life. You might be shaking your head in disagreement, but hear me out!
One thing that I’ve learned in my life, is that when someone is overcompensating, it’s usually because the opposite is true.
Let me give you an example. Let’s say you are going out with a friend who keeps referring to how much money they have – chances are high that they are eyeball deep in debt. The need for overcompensation is a very accurate indicator of something that they are lacking. I want to believe it’s some self-preservation thing.
So you might be asking, overconfidence is usually following the same pattern?
Most likely, yes.
However there is a rare type of person that is truly overconfident. They are usually a narcissist and they believe that everything they do is amazing, they do exist out there. But for the sake of this post, I’m not referring to those few — but to the majority.
When someone is an overconfident person, they are compensating for something. Ironically, they are usually self-conscious about what they are being extra confident.
Being confident is where you can trust yourself. Where you know you are good. That you don’t need outside validation.
I guess to be brutally simple, having confidence is inner validation, overconfidence is seeking outside validation with the responses of others.
Why Confidence is the Key to Success
For almost everything in life, if you have confidence, you will succeed.
It’s the slight arrogance that people see and respect.
By using the word arrogance it almost seems wrong, even as I write this it doesn’t feel like the right word. There is a fine line to follow because you don’t want to be a “know-it-all” or for lack of a better word, a jerk.
So what is the fine line?
It’s exactly where you aren’t threatening, boring other people, or having them tune you out. Watching others can be a great clue to how you are behaving.
But having just the right amount of confidence means people will listen and engage with you. They will feel like looking up to you and be interested in what you have to say.
That is why confidence is the key to success.
The level of attention you will receive is perfect. Confidence can also be seen as a form of respect, a self-respect. This respect is magnified and radiates from you.
When you respect yourself, a few things happen. Your standards rise. From what you expect from others, to what you expect from yourself. Another bonus is you show people how to treat you – what you deem acceptable.
Success is measured in what you have accomplished, and if having the respect of others is already done, then I’d say you succeeded in a place where people would consider very different.
How Can You Tell if Someone is Confident?
One piece of advice that I don’t always agree on is “Fake it till you make it”.
But I suppose it could work in this circumstance. Whenever you start feeling yourself recede into your old ways – you can adopt a more confident demeanor – just don’t overcompensate.
So, you ask yourself, “How can you tell if someone is confident?” then you are able to mimic their body language, the way they talk and move.
The first thing you would notice is their walk and/or stance. She is proud, she is sure of herself and rarely doubts the way she is. This could mean her outfit, her jewelry, her hairstyle and make up. She is unapologetically her.
She is elegant.
There is an ease with her body language, her movements, the way she exists in her day. It might be hard to put your finger on it – but it is there. It seems effortless, mainly because it is.
Her confidence is high so her doubt is nonexistent.
Another trait of confidence is her speaking is different.
She isn’t necessarily loud – because she doesn’t demand attention that way.
She knows that she doesn’t need to get people to listen to her by forcing others to hear her. Not only with the level of her voice, but also is what she is saying.
Is she gossiping?
Does she need to put people down to bring herself up?
A confident woman would never dream of hurting someone’s feelings to make herself feel better. Pay attention when another elegant woman speaks – it’s never insulting, never pushy, or desperate. It is mainly complimenting, honest and genuine.
Another way to point out confidence is to see if there is any form of overcompensation. In every single way. Expensive jewelry? Foreign car that is super expensive? Verbally explaining how smart they are, they lack the self confidence.
An important detail to remember that confidence is not black and white.
There are many variables that can determine how confident someone is. The women might be extremely confident in her job, that they are capable enough – but they might utterly hate the extra twenty pounds on their waste.
There is always room for improvement.
Can Confidence Make You Attractive
No, I’m joking – but it is very true.
Confidence, a trait that can make you beautiful but can also tear you down.
There is that gray zone again.
If you’re over confident you will look like a jerk. Bt the perfect amount of confidence will make you unstoppable.
What is it exactly that when you see an elegant woman who is confident that she draws you in?
You see a woman who knows she is beautiful. She doesn’t have the desperate or sad tone of her voice.
You can ask yourself, “do you find confident people attractive?” I bet your answer is yes.
But we can easily reverse the statement and ask “why don’t you find self conscious people attractive?” You might try to be extra sensitive to others and say “well of course, I would, as long as they are nice.”
And you might be genuine, but that can only last for so long.
The need for reassurance, the jealousy, the wrong placed anger, the guilt trips and even worse, the manipulation will transform even the most beautiful woman. Now, I am no psychologist, but many relationships hit very rocky roads because one of them is not confident in themselves.
So, understanding how a lack of confidence can turn off some one, it proves how strong an indicator that confidence can be for attractive qualities.
Even if you never knew the person, or spoke to them, confidence is still easily spotted. It is an aura.
Confidence is exactly what makes the jolie laid women in France. Where women who are not classically beautiful but yet have this irresistible air. It’s not based on her looks, but the feeling, the confidence.
When you can embrace yourself, love yourself, and bring out the confidence you have inside of you, you will become more attractive. People will gravitate towards you because you won’t need to bring others down. You aren’t constantly thinking about what others are thinking of you, which can impede on you being you. You will be attractive because you’re an amazing woman, just as you are.
What are the Benefits of Confidence?
I am not going to go too much into detail here because I feel that it would be redundant. However, I do want to cement the idea that confidence is a wonderful trait to possess.
The benefits of confidence that I already mentioned:
– being more beautiful
– demanding (gently) respect from others
– not being taken advantage of
But there are many more!
– being happier
– feeling free
– making better friends
– understand what your values are
– not sweating the small stuff (read: stress less!)
– other people don’t have any power over you
You might see a pattern here.
When you adopt an elegant life and want to improve your confidence you will see that your life is more improved. Not only happier, but freedom.
The freedom to not care what others think, that stop being stressed about everything big and small.
The freedom to be yourself and love doing it.
The best part is that you don’t need to be fully confident all in one step. Even by adapting a little confidence in your life can help to benefit the rewards. You really can start today, try implementing a little confidence right now.
The benefits will be astounding.
Building Self Esteem Today
What to practice today, right now, to implement confidence:
– Pick your absolute favorite attribute on your face. Focus on it. Make it something that everyone notices, make it your trademark.
– Although this is over stated to the point of exhaustion, wear something that you love. Something that makes you proud to be yourself.
– Realize that your self worth has more to do with what you offer the world – not your looks
– Take it one day at a time. You win some, you lose some.
– Don’t overthink.
– Stop trying to be Miss Perfect
– Be the leading lady that you know you are
– Start respecting yourself by what you eat and drink
– Love yourself
– You are ONE of a kind, truly think about that! You offer the world something no one else can!
Be More Confident
Try every single day to be more confident. Even if you mess up completely, the next day repeat to yourself.
“I am confident.”
The best part of confidence is that you really can’t go wrong. Being confident is different for everyone.
My words of advice to you is to just stop worrying about coming off as confident, or trying so hard to make it. Just let whatever happens happen.
.I know this might sound a little new age but I promise, when you stop trying hard to be something, in this case, confident, and stop caring about what others think and what the outcome will be, freedom and calmness will ensue.
Something that really helped me grow my self esteem and confidence was to step out, and realize that every single person out there suffers from this, even my role models doubt themselves from time to time.
No one is completely immune.
We are all suffering a little bit trying to impress others or make them see this “facade”.
We are all in it together.
One last thing I want to mention was I don’t allow myself to be too hard on myself.
There really isn’t any point and it is self destructive.
Besides not being productive, it can really harm yourself if you are continually putting yourself down. It can affect you not only today, but in the future when you are trying to better yourself.
What you say to yourself really matters.
Living an elegant life is about seeing the best in yourself and others.
When you are able to see clearly that you are an amazing woman who has so much to offer the world, it is nearly impossible to hide.
You start radiating this beautiful glow because you are one of a kind.
Elegance brings out your talents.
Confidence breeds beauty.
“To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.”
― Albert Camus
Some of my most popular posts are…