Happy New Year + a FREE Printable

Happy New Year + a FREE Printable

Happy New Year

New Year, New You?

Happy New Year.

New year with a chance to improve you, for you.

You can’t go back and make a new start, but you can start right now and make a brand new ending.  

James R. Sherman

I am not going to lie, but with the end of this year I am a little sad to say goodbye to 2019.

Partly because it went by so incredibly fast, but also because it was a year of realizing I’m not perfect!

You might be thinking, “why is that a good thing?” and I would answer, that it finally gave me the chance to breathe.

The ability to look at myself in the miror and smile without the thoughts of what I didn’t finish that day or what others were expecting of me.

I know I am not alone in this battle that we create for ourselves. Which is in a sense, comforting, but also a little sad too.

This year I want to make it a fact to stop putting so much needless burdens on myself and I would love if you would too!

Happy New Year

Do you make a resolution?

I used to be against making New Year’s Resolutions, not because I am against improving myself, but because I always seem to put pressure on and I will fail.


But let’s get real with each other and ask ourselves, “Why are we so damn scared of failing?”


I really had to ask myself this, and what I came up with was I didn’t want to feel like a failure.


I didn’t want to feel like I couldn’t do it.


That what I was thinking of, that it wasn’t me.


And I could really go on.


I bet you’re the same, where you have thoughts and dreams of yours, but to try them is too terrifying. Or maybe you’re thinking that “that” isn’t you.


Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong.


You are able to do anything you want and if you fail(which you probably will your first few times) that it means absolutely nothing.

Happy New Year

Failing is Nothing

It shcoked me the first time I heard how so many of my heros failed the first few times they attempted at their dreams.


It’s normal.


We aren’t born with knowing how to do our art perfectly. But that’s why we fail. Purely to keep getting better.


This not only makes us wiser, but it also gives us an appreciation for what we do and why we do it.


It humbles us.


So I want you to make your resolutions for this year with that in mind, that even if you fail (which you most likely will) that it means to keep trying.


Not to give up and think that it’s “not for you”!

Happy New Year

We’re passionate people

I don’t want this post to be a long one, mainly because I know we are all so busy at this time of the year. And I also want to spend more time with the family (resolution #3).


If you never noticed that we are a passionate species. We love hard, and we are able to put our all into everything that we want to. This is an amazing thing that we possess because it makes life so much richer.


Allow yourself to become passionate about what you are doing on a daily basis (resolution #5) and don’t let a bad day get in the middle of you and that passion.


Write out what you are interested in, deeply interested in and start there. If you want to learn something, then let this be the perfect excuse to start it!


Don’t let your depressive and negative thoughts drown your love and passion for something.


Don’t be scared of failure (resolution #1) and allow your passion to ooze from every pore.

Happy New Year

Your free Printable

Get your FREE printable HERE


I wanted to do more for you ladies, I really did.


This was my first printable, (a few firsts for this year!) and I wanted to give  you more but I am still trying to get the hang of it.


I was able to give you the most important printable that I thought of. This is ‘The Elegant Woman’s Manifesto.’


Print this out and put it on your bathroom mirror, leave it near your nightstand, somewhere you will see it.


Read this every day.


Try to memorize it.


This is what living an elegant life will give you. Be the elegant woman you know you are (resolution #2)!


Happy New Year

In Conclusion

I hope that you take away from this short post that you can be the elegant woman you want to be!


Don’t let your failures, your negative thoughts, or yourself stop you.


The Elegant Manifesto is there to remind you that being elegant isn’t impossible, and it is there to make your life better.


I wish you and your family a wonderful new year!


I’ll see you next year 😛


Christmas Shopping Guide [2019] – The Elegant Woman Edition – 40 GIFT IDEAS!

Christmas Shopping Guide [2019] – The Elegant Woman Edition – 40 GIFT IDEAS!

Christmas Shopping Guide 2019

Christmas can be stressful

Christmas Shopping Guide 2019

Being prepared is elegant. I’m here to help!

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.  

Charles Dickens

…But with a Christmas shopping guide it doens’t have to be!

So here we are, it’s the beginning of the holidays! Thanksgiving is over and now we are just trucking right towards Christmas!

This is my favorite time of the year, but I am sure you already know this! However, if you’re like my husband, he gets a little anxious because of the pressure of getting the right gifts.

And I am not going to lie, he’s right.

The amount of money that gets spent each year is getting outrageous, especially if you don’t have the extra cash.

But finding the perfect gift doesn’t need to be as hard as you think!

I’ve been taking notes and wanted to make sure I made a good comprehensive list that I could assure you that these gifts will be perfect for those ones on your list!

This post contains affiliate links and if you purchase anything on these links I may receive a small compensation.

Christmas Shopping Guide 2019

For those that love self-care


I know that today we are all so busy, which means that we are most likely on our feet for most of the day!

This beautiful massager is a gift that I would love to get because it is heated, and provides deep kneading techniques!

I know some people who suffer from plantar fasciitis that would love this! It also can improve blood circulation which I know is always a plus!

To be honest, I don’t know one person that wouldn’t love this foot massager!


These masks make a great stocking stuffer! They are small, compact, but pack a big punch!

For the people that adore self-care and spa moments at home, then this is the gift for them!

I personally love getting these because they’re quick, they’re effective and they are mostly inexpensive.


I’m a pretty big fan of gift baskets.

They are simple, beautiful and can be really thoughtful!

This self-care basket is a perfect little gift for a teacher, for a neighbor, for a daughter, for almost anyone really!

Something perfect to go along with the self-care theme is a book exactly on self-care!

There are many books on self-care but this one is amazing because it taps into the older forms and sees them with a modern eye.

This is a perfect gift for someone who is interested in the idea of self-care and wants to continue learning about it!

Or, honestly, because so many people are into self-care, it’s a gift for really anyone!

The WOW Factor


I realize that this isn’t the most attractive self-care item out there. But holy cow, this is the gift that any woman or man would just love!

It fits on most chairs, I mean you could go from the living room, dining room, heck, even the car!

This gives the heat needed, it’s a Shiatsu massage that will take all the stresses of the days and melt them away!

You’ll be talk of the family with this gift! I’m even trying to hint this to my husband!

Christmas Shopping Guide 2019

For the Baking/Cooking Enthsuiasts

Honestly, how cool are these?!

I bought these and I love them! I think they are so amazing and can make whatever baked donuts I want!

They are great for almost everyone because not a lot of people have these, so it’s a great gift!

It’s something different and so lovely!

Not many people would give cooling trays as a Christmas gift, but this one is an exception!

Like many people, we are all short on counterspace and to be able to do 3-layers high is smart!

Even for those that want to display the delicious baked goods you would be able to use this as well!

A great gift to bakers because let’s be honest, can you really have too many cooling racks?

Yes, the infamous Instant Pot.

I am adding this to the list in hopes that I get one this year! I realize this isn’t quite a new product but I hear they are life changing!

I’ve heard nothing but amazing reviews on it and I feel that it’s as important as a crock pot.

This Instant Pot has many amazing features – besides cooking things super fast!

If you want an upgraded one, check this one out!


Simple, wow! Isn’t that just so beautiful?

What I think is so great about this gift is that it’s all stainless steel, so the quality is there.

For the people who needs everything to match, this is the gift!

It’s perfect for young couples just moving out, it’s perfect for people who are just getting into cooking or baking and will need some supplies.

Essentially, it’s perfect for everyone!

This is a great complete set.

The WOW Factor


Do you want to completely surprise someone this year?

Then this Vitamix is the way to go!

I have one, and I honestly use it every. single. day! I know that if I would have received one, it would have rocked my world! (Because it rocks my world now!)

You really cannot go wrong with a this because it does everything an average blender would do, but way, way more!

Gift them this blender and change their kitchen forever!

Christmas Shopping Guide 2019

For the Tech Savvy

The tech savvy people really are in for a treat this year! I feel that everything all tech related is so beautiful and more reasonably priced than ever before!

I bought this for a gift for someone, and I can’t wait for it to come in!

This color is ONLY from Amazon and it’s so beautiful. But there is also a black and pink option as well.

It is such a sleek watch that will look elegant in casual, sporty, or business attire and keeps track of everything you would want!

This is a gift that is sure to please! At least I hope so because I’m so excited to give it away this Christmas!

The Chromebook!

You know, I’m ashamed to say that I used to not really like them too much, but that’s mostly because I didn’t understand them!

When I went and talked to somone about them, I understood why they are so wonderful! Plus, the later models have been getting really good!

This one is a bit on the more higher side, but they don’t need to be! I really love this one, not only because it’s more affordable, but really sleek too!

For the people that love technology, they probably want to have their whole house smart as well!

This new Amazon Echo will do exactly that and more!

What a perfect gift for people who love the technology and want to expand!

And if they already have this, you can surprise them with these smart plugs that will allow them to hook up devices to their Echo!

How cool are these?!

Sometimes I can’t believe that they finally came up with these, but it was only a matter of time.

This would make such a great gift for so many different people because everyone you don’t necessarily need to be tech savvy to use them.

There are also wireless airbuds that come with a wireless charger which makes it also a very high tech gift!

Very snappy!

And for the ones that are trying to become tech savvy, but haven’t yet got the television, this is the absolute perfect gift!

It’s very simple to connect and it works like a charm!

My husband had to buy one and it works really well! We watch Netflix, screen mirror, YouTube and Prime with ease! Plus we get many free streaming channels with it too!


The WOW Factor


This is QUITE the gift that I suppose anyone would be the happiest to receive!

Acer is a great company, I have had one for a few years and I find them to be working very well for what I need it for.

Perfect for a student, a parent, or someone that just needs a new laptop! This one is a bit pricey, but there are other ones here.

If there is a gamer that you would love to spoil, check out this wonderful one! I know someone who has a Predator and wow… it’s great! But let me warn you, it can be quite expensive!


Christmas Shopping Guide 2019

For Zero Waste


I’m not going to lie, I never quite understood these dryer balls until I heard someone explain them and how brilliant of an idea!

These can replace the dryer sheets that end up in the garbage anyways.

This is a perfect little gift for anyone with a dryer!

I had to stop using the face soap wipes because it was bothering me how much was going into the landfill, especially after a one time use.

But of course, someone thought of this and it makes a great gift. It also comes with a laundry bag to make washing them that much easier!

Perfect gift for anyone that is living a zero-waste lifestyle, someone who is interested, or really anyone who uses a toothbrush!

I bought wooden ones a while back and I can’t believe that I haven’t went wooden before!

There is really no difference, and I know that I am not putting more needless plastic in the landfill.

This makes a GREAT stocking stuffer!

It’s a matter of fact that plastic is on its way out! One way to better prepare yourself or others are these muslin produce bags.

Again, I have a few of them and I use them almost every time we go shopping. I love them. They feel great, they look great, and it’s funny because they make me feel like I’m doing something better for the environment!

You can never have too many of these bags!



I bought this book, and I still go back to it.

Personally, I really enjoyed this book because it gave me ideas, information and inspiration.

If you know someone who is on the fence, thinking about it, just starting out, or someone you want to give a hint to, this book is a great addition to their library!

If you’re looking for more books, I also have this one.

And I can’t help but include these water bottles.

This is another gift that everyone can use. Children, parents, teenagers, students… everyone!

I find that these bottles are so beautiful while also being eco-friendly and zero waste!

Christmas Shopping Guide 2019

For Teachers


What an adorable mug to make any teacher smile! I think these are sentimental enough but not over the top either.

It expresses gratitude without being too sappy.


I know that if I was a teacher, I would be buying one of these in a flash!

Especially with the cold and dry weather coming, touching chalk makes your hands so rough and dry.

This very smart little contraption will make any teacher very happy to get!


Want a cute laugh?

This stemless wine glass will do just that! I think this is so adorable, especially if you know the teacher a little more personally.

Like, just how cute?!

I really like this gift, because it is so different.

It’s also just so adorable and actually quite useful that won’t just end up just junk.

And really, who doesn’t have the need for post its!

There are times when gifts are something not useful, but cute or thoughtful. And sometimes there are gifts that are practical.

These stamps will get a lot of use from the teacher and it’s nice to get something really different for your teacher!

Every teacher can use these stamps with ease, and have fun doing it!

These stamps are so much fun! It will make marking tests a blast! (Maybe!)

I know I can’t be the only one that adores these printable-ish notepads?

Being organized is a wonderful feeling, and an even better gift! This beautiful notepad is sure to inspire a lot this Christmas season!

If you have to buy for a female teacher (or one that you could see interested in this), then I think this makes one of the greatest gifts.

Teachers are all used to seeing the same gifts every year. Whether it is coffee gift certificates or chocolates, this bracelet is completely different.

That’s why I think this gift will be a gift that she remembers.

Christmas Shopping Guide 2019

For Other Children

My kids are relatively young, and to be honest they very rarely play video games.

But when they do, they utterly love Minecraft. At first I didn’t understand the concept of this game, but really it’s just like legos but ones that defy gravity and you can really go crazy!

My boys love this and I think it’s not bad, there is no violence, no blood, and can be in creative mode  — so fun!

Now this game brings back memories!

It is such a simple game that anyone can play this game and really, it is so easy you can’t go wrong!

This game is perfect for family game night or even for children to play alone.

To be honest, this game is great for people of all ages because you match your card with what is on the board.

It’s simple, but so fun!

This isn’t exactly the typical kid’s toy, but my sister and I always wanted a set of these!

The amount of fun kids have with the most random items is amazing!

Let these walkie-talkies spark some imagination and play time this holiday season!

How do you feel about puzzles?

My three boys love them! I do too, but secretly I hate when they are just left because they are “still working on it”!

It’s great for learning where things go, and spatial awareness. It’s a wonderful way to bond and talk too.

Puzzles are always good old-fashioned fun!

I’ve heard so much about these that I needed to check it out for myself.

I love how every generation has their toys that they remember and look back. These Hatchimals will be one for sure!

This is a great gift for Christmas and it’s so darn adorable!

Christmas Shopping Guide 2019

For Husbands

Sometimes having something playful is the perfect gift. We are always stuck trying to find the most expensive gift to show our love, but this game could be it.

You get to play with each other, spark conversation, in this game there are cards that ask questions for both of you to answer.

This great is perfect for the newer married couples or any one who just feels like connecting more!

Are you married or dating someone who loves survival?

Or maybe he is really into hunting and wants something portable. This kit  also would be something nice to have in the trunk of your car because in instances when something happens, you might need one of these useful tools.

I know my husband would love this so I’m just putting it on this list!

Is your husband like mine, and even my dad?

They just love comfortable slippers. I have bought my husband different kinds of slippers. Some being open in the back (which is my favorite!) but he prefers ones like shoes.

Slippers are a great addition to a gift because they usually are inexpensive and very practical!

He might find this one under the tree this year!

Does your hubby have a beard or mustache?

This inexpensive beard grooming kit is a great stocking stuffer, or a gift in itself.

I don’t know about your husband, but mine just loves when he gets different oils or products for his beard.

I guess it’s because us women have the chance to get so many good smelling lotions and moisturiziers while he doesn’t.

Maybe this makes him feel special, or maybe he just likes to smell good, regardless I’m sure any man with some facial hair would love it!

Here is a little bit more pricey one for a step up.

Professional or not, every man needs a good watch in his life. There are always some occasions that wearing a beautiful watch is warranted.

It doesn’t need to be wallet-emptying either! This watch is well made, simple, sleek and isn’t too bad!

Surprise him with a watch that he can wear every day, or add to his collection! IF he already has a brown watch, try this beautiful black band.

Wow, this is for all music lovers of any sort!

It plays 8 different kinds of forms of music. Bluetooth, CD, radio, record player, and more!

We bought the step down from this one for my father-in-law, because at the time we didn’t know this one existed, and it works so nicely. At dinner times with the family we play old records and it sounds perfect!

I highly recommend this gift to anyone who loves music! Plus this retro look is adorable and can fit into almost any decor!

Christmas Shopping Guide 2019

In Conclusion

Christmas shopping can be so much fun, when you’re not completely stressed out. Sadly this is how most of our holiday seasons are because we often wait until the last minute to do things.


Before, I used to leave everything to the last minute and that often ended up with me going crazy and was really not elegant in any way.


I hope that this list inspires you to start your Christmas shopping early, get many ideas that you need, and don’t let the pressures and stress weigh on you this beautiful holiday season.

Need inspiration?

Read this!

“Our character is not defined in the good times, but in the hard times.”

Paul Brodie


The Elegant Black Friday Shopping Guide [2019]

The Elegant Black Friday Shopping Guide [2019]

Shopping made easy with your Black Friday Shopping Guide!


It’s that time of year again, where Thanksgiving is over for Americans and is a long distant thought for Canadians, but something exciting happens! 


I love making shopping lists, so I was excited to create this black friday shopping guide to help you out on starting your shopping because…




Honestly, this is probably the best time of the year! Family and friends gather. Food is great.


People are feeling a little extra generous and us elegant women, we like to be on the ball!


How so?


We start our Christmas shopping early this year!


I know we say this every year! You probably have said something along the lines of “I won’t wait until the last moment!” or “I will be done all the big gifts before December, so I just need little stocking stuffers!”


Been there done that!


BUT, this year I have made a goal in mind that I will and I mean it! I WILL start and end my Christmas shopping early so that I have a wonderful peaceful season without any frantic quick stops to the store where I wander a little aimlessly for the hard-to-buy family members!

Disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links. Which means, that to no additional cost to you, I may earn a commission if you click and make a purchase.

The Beginning of the Christmas Shopping Season starts with this Black Friday Shopping Guide!


I love going out shopping at this time of the year.


Everything is all beautifully decked out with the holiday cheer and there is still so much time to get the perfect gift! So much potential!


I never have been a big fan of online shopping, but after Amazon has made things simple, and I bought a few books online, it’s hard not to do some of the shopping online.


I guess you can say it is a little form of delegating. You don’t need to actually be out in the store to get some of it done!


So, let’s get a head start today! Just think, before you even step into the store you will have already got a leg up!


That’s what I call elegance!


One trait of being an elegant woman is about preparing yourself so that you need not to be a ball of stress in an already hectic season. You want to be serene, appear calm and under control. It is possible, even with little children, but you MUST start early.


Not only start early, but also have a plan!


If you are stressed, this post will give you over 40 ways to calm down!


So grab your coffee, get out your notepad or get ready to click on the links and add to cart because you are going to start your Christmas shopping today!

Elegant Black Friday Shopping Guide 2019:

To buy for the readers…



The Forgotten Garden is a beautiful book about three generations of women and although it is a little long (being over 500 pages), I adored it!

At the end, I actually cried because it was so beautiful.

This book is great as a gift or even for yourself! Great read! Inspirational, loving, and just an all around good book!


Filled with a lot of great advice that I like to read, French Women Don’t Get Facelifts is written well and is lovely for any woman who wants to become a little healthier and happier!

I would recommend this book to anyone who likes a light read, but one that is completely worth its money!


From the lovely Daily Connoisseur, Jennifer Scott has some really good tidbits in this book.

Polish Your Poise, is one of my favorite of her Madame Chic series, and you will love it too!

I’ve read it many times over because I feel like it applies very much to today and will help you remain elegant when times are a little tougher!



Did you ever just want a small quick but beautiful read?

The Four Agreements is exactly just that!

I really loved reading this book, it was insightful, made me feel good and also was one that I could take a little inspiration from.

This book is a great stocking stuffer, or honestly, a great book for yourself to read from time to time.

This might not be the most elegant book of them all, but my goodness it was a good one.

You are a Badass is a great book for reading in spurts because each chapter is only a few pages long. But there are many chapters, over 20 of them!

This book also dishes out some great advice and encouragement if you are starting a new venture or doing something that be a little out of your comfort zone!


For my Christian ladies, this one is for you!

I know this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and if it isn’t – I understand! But for those wives that want to follow a biblical way of marriage, honestly, I really love The Excellent Wife!

It is one of those books that you can read over and over again. Or if you just want to pin point one section at a time, you can do that too! You can use this as a nightly read or a reference book.

This book has made me look at my job as a wife in a different light, more than what anyone has explained to me before!

I highly suggest this book for all Christian wives and wives-to-be!

Elegant Black Friday Shopping Guide 2019:

For the accessory lovers!



I agreed with Audrey Hepburn where diamonds look best reserved for older women, so I always feel safe wearing pearls!

The best about these pearls is that they dangle and have just the right amount of gold.

It isn’t too flashy or distracting but add that hint of elegance we all long for! This is great for a women of any age! Young or old, it’s simply elegant!

Honestly, there is no better accessory than a simple watch! I used to think of them as a more utilitarian accessory than something of beauty.

But the elegance in a simple watch can be enormous!

What I love about simple leather bands is that it is subtle and also versatile. Although I know people who swear by the metal bands.

Whatever you choose, just a few tips, make sure that the head isn’t too large and it helps that it is not digital.

I am not completely sold on the smart watches yet, but a lot of people adore them. For the time being, I love this watch!

I am a strong believer that every Christian woman should have a cross necklace. These are part of a classic piece.

They can be worn anywhere and will complete any ensemble if going to a church or anything related to it.

I also wear one almost every single day. It’s beautiful, simple, and elegant.

I especially love this one because of the subtle sparkle in the middle. A very feminine touch.


Another classic piece here is this beautiful bangle bracelet. I feel that this is yet, another statement piece that every woman should own.

It’s funny because I have to still own one, and I am actually looking at this exact one!

Whether you love the yellow or white gold, they both are beautiful. However, I adore yellow, but sadly my skin tone tends to favor the white gold.

This is particular bracelet is not too badly priced for what you are getting.

A win-win!


And last but not least, is an adorable charm bracelet.

They can be accessorized wonderfully and although are thought of as more casual, they can also be worn quite elegantly.

This charm bracelet is especially nice because it has the same colors and are seen as more mature, which is why you can wear them in many places and not look underdressed.

If it is not “your thing” this makes a great gift for other women!

It can be very personalized as well, making the gift even that more memorable.

Elegant Black Friday Shopping Guide 2019:

For the bag lovers


There is not a more elegant feeling then when you are feeling on top of the world, and you are carrying around something that you just love.

This little adorable wallet does exactly that!

It can act as a clutch and carry this gem around, or you can stash it in your favorite purse.

This wallet is a must to have in your collection,.

Who doesn’t love a little structured bag?

I think this bag is so adorable for the everyday purse. The flap and the nautical stripes really give it that little boost of character and attitude.

This over the shoulder and across the body purse is perfect when you are running errands and need something stylish and elegant.

Yes, another adorable clutch!

I would have a million of these if I bought all the ones I want!

Clutches are so incredible elegant. Kate Middleton swears by them, Audrey Hepburn always looked stylish with them and honestly, they prevent you from carrying too much extra clutter!

This clutch has such a cute color, and I love these small accents because  you can get a loud clutch and it will never be overbearing!

Elegant Black Friday Shopping Guide 2019:

For the ones who adore stationary



When you need something to lift you up and also to keep you a little organized this notebook is perfect!

It’s great for the elegant woman who wants a little more inspiration on a daily basis!


Have you ever wanted to have a nice pen, but didn’t want to pay the price of a luxury pen?

Then this is the pen for you!

There have been a few times when I wish I would have a better pen, you know, when you want to feel a little extra special! But they can be a little too expensive where it feels a little wrong!

This pen allows for luxury at a decent price!

The classic notebook is a must for every elegant woman, not only to write down important notes to not forget anything, but also for numbers and dates to remember.

I love these for writing out anything I want, such as notes for this blog or stories that I have thought of, pretty much these books allow for room of imagination. 


For those who love freebies…


Sign up here for your FREE eBook!


A comprehensive guide explaining how to start living your life elegant RIGHT NOW!


Check out the sneak peek here!

In Conclusion


Living an elegant life is about preparing yourself for everything and Christmas is no exception! Using this Black Friday Shopping Guide, I am hoping to give you some ideas and inspiration to the beginning of your holiday season!


It works out really well if you take some time now and write down what you want to buy people or if buying something isn’t what you’re looking for, then making.


Whatever it is that you choose, the best way is to always start early.


Get an idea, write it down, be prepared and organized and this Christmas season will go smoothly and elegantly!


It’s Going to be Okay

It’s Going to be Okay

Have you ever wondered…

If you’d be okay?

If things will ever go back to how they were?

But let’s go back towards the beginning. There were a few things that happened in my life that wanted me to create this blog.

One was this desire to write and I also needed something to get my mind free and clear. A way to express myself that would help me feel free and relaxed, and if I was able to connect with some wonderful people then that was just a plus!

When one loses a child, at least the way I did, I realized that I don’t control a damn thing. And that for me was incredibly hard because I had met the man of my dreams, we were able to buy a house that was in a great place and our job was doing very good. Everything seemed to be going the way it “should be”. We even bought an adorable dog to top it off.

Life was utterly perfect.

Until it wasn’t

Everything seemed to be going swimmingly, until the fateful day I realized that life, isn’t as easy as I thought.

Talk about a wake up call and a shock to anyone’s innocent naive little eyes!

However, when I was trying anything in my power to heal myself and to actually make sense of the world around me, I started this blog, but I didn’t know that there would be a point during which I’d feel like more of a liar and fraud then before.

Fraud? You might be wondering what I mean by that. I see it so much on the Internet. Especially YouTube and Instagram. Where all these people are so damn perfect! They never look like a mess, they have everything under control. They always make it look so easy too, like clearly we all mortels are doing something wrong.

They never eat too much or gain a pound. Their outfits are so perfectly tailored. They’re surroundings are always beautiful and although people are catching on and realizing that it’s all a facade, it still doesn’t matter. People always buy into it mostly because they think that they can have it.

But who can blame us?

They look happy. Almost always there is a huge smile on their perfectly make-uped face. Maybe this is just me though, perhaps I have been sucked into this stupidity so hard that I can’t see my way out? I don’t think so though, I hear a lot lately that people are stopping their social media or like me, backing off a bit and letting the real world come in more.

I would be lying if I told you that I didn’t want to be like this. Being a blogger in a crazy world, I felt like I needed to stay with this trend. I felt like I needed to be able to write these similar successful posts, take pictures of me looking my best and also just flaunting to the whole world that I have my shit together. Even if I really didn’t, but who cares, like I mentioned before, perception is reality.

So I did it (barely!). I tried to keep up with the virtual Jones’ and my God, if you ever want to feel little, not worthy, and definitely like you are bottom of the barrel, then may I suggest trying to be someone you’re not. 

It will eat you alive and spit you out. Making you feel about an inch tall and that you’re really just not that good and never will be.

After too many heart palpitations and sleepless nights later, I’ve decided to stop being a fraud and be who the hell I am. Whatever it is. Regardless of what others think because frankly, it was not only driving me crazy, but it was making me feel like less of a woman, a mom and a wife!

That fateful night

Ever since Gabriella’s death, I’ve had these times when I feel like I am dying and there’s not much that can stop me from thinking it. I truly hate it and when I feel this coming it’s isolating and almost to the point of debilitating.

Want more of the story: Her Name was Gabriella – My Story of Infant Loss

I am not sure if I want to call it a panic attack because frankly, I don’t want to put any sort of label on it. It’s just a feeling that comes and goes. However, at the same time it can be extremely hard to deal with, especially at night. To the point that all I can think about is my body just to collapse in death or my heart just gives up.

When she passed I didn’t mind crying. I didn’t care what people thought because I had just lost my daughter and there’s nothing anyone could say to make me feel stupid. But as the time goes on, I would tell myself to “buck up” and essentially “move on”. Well, as much as that tough exterior might have made me look fine, my insides were being ripped apart and my mind was crying hysterically.

One reason I justified not letting me feel my whole emotions is because I know I am not the only one that has been through something traumatic and I really despise when I am told that I have and that’s the reason I’m still “sad”.

I feel truly blessed and fortunate, and sadly there are so many people out there that have had it worse and still has lost more than me and are doing better (at least in my mind).

I realize I am comparing, which can be a very bad thing to do, but I secretly wish I didn’t have to worry about this. I wonder how many other woman can hold themselves together and not have these sensations of absolute terror.

I know that we don’t have control over anything

And I don’t at all and even though logically I get it, my emotional side just refuses to understand it and let it be as it is. Trust God. I do! But what is holding me back?

I feel this false sense of control that I really don’t have. I wanted to start a family of my own and Gabriella was so ill and God had mercy on her which she deserved.

The world really was not ready for such an angel.

And I was ready to let go because of how ill she was, but honestly when I was with her I felt like this different person. Like I had a reason. A job. Someone needed me so badly to be there, I was her mom! Even though I had no idea what I was doing, it still felt right.

She was a fighter and although I had already lost my mother in law and grandma (on the same day no less) about 10 months earlier, death was not something I would consider taboo. I knew she had no life here, and death was mostly immenent, I wasn’t ready to let her go.

She was mine.

She was a part of me and although it was terribly unfair that she had got the short end of the stick, I was there for her. Although she never opened her eyes, I knew she could see how much I love her.

On her last day

God was there with me and my husband. He comforted me so much during this time. I felt stronger than ever before. When I had received the call that she was dying, I didn’t break down, but I was able to be there to hold her and tell her how much her daddy and I loved her to the moon and back.

She came into this world knowing love and she was able to leave it with love too. In her 29 days she dealt with so much pain, but she taught me so much.

The thing is though

I feel like I am such a weak person.

I have these stupid attacks that prevent me from living.

That is not what I want. I feel that strong woman when she was here is gone because I am so scared of everything. Where did I go? Where did that woman who felt that I could do anything, she’s gone. Maybe just for now. Or did she die when my daughter died?

But then God had other plans and with such a devastating circumstance, He gave my husband and me three boys. Although they are not my blood and I didn’t birth them, I consider myself their mother and love them so much. But that strong woman feels scared and I don’t know how to get that strength back.

Want the story: I am a Mom to 3 Boys… Overnight!

This wonder woman whom I became before, perhaps she wasn’t real. Maybe from the outside I looked strong, but inside I was this lost and terrifed girl who knew nothing but her daughter was probably going to die and I was playing mommy but deep down knew it wasn’t going to be long-term.

I remember when she was born I was so in shock I didn’t want to see her because they were telling me she was going to die very soon. I wanted to reject the idea that I even had a baby.

That doesn’t sound very strong to me.

Some people tell me that they had love at first sight with their baby, but for me, it was shock, terror and anger. Which then subsided and became immense love and fight.

I feel like I am dying

When I have these “attacks” I feel like I will die, and I feel like I can’t control it.

My brain is strong and it is making me feel like I am sick when I really am not. I even went to the doctors and came out good and yet for some reason I feel like something’s wrong. (That’s when I know that it’s all in my head.) It’s not right. I am a healthy person. I can go to the doctor’s every single day and come out with a clean bill of health but I know that I will not think so.

This has to change.

But I think it is necessary to say that thank God that these feelings don’t happen often, and it’s starting to be longer and longer in between them.

I need to be strong now for the boys. But that’s why I get upset too because after Gabriella, I didn’t think I wanted any more children. I didn’t want to go through anything like that all. I didn’t want to carry a baby, love her more than anything, feel her move and get excited for her arrival just to have it ripped from me.

Just as she never got a fair shake at life. And as selfish as it sounds, I feel like I never got a fair shake at motherhood.

It was stolen from me.

Seeing a mother and baby still has the ability to choke me up depending on my mood. But what right do I have to complain? There’s always more people that have it worse. The joys that so many women feel, was ripped from me and I hate that, instead, I got hospital stays, doctor’s speeches and sad faces from everyone telling me they are sorry.

But then God gives me three beautiful boys and I don’t feel like I will ever be good enough. And although that might be true, I need to stop feeling like this.


That is a million dollar question.

When Gabriella died, a piece of me died too. The funny thing is, when she died I was relieved that she didn’t have to suffer and I felt guilty as well (that damn mommy guilt!) a bit for feeling relieved.

Life is hard because you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.

I feel like my innocence and the little extra zest for life I once had has been taken. I used to be so carefree. Although I may be frustrated at times, I am happy. I am so blessed for my husband and I can’t believe how much I love him. I wake up every single day happy, but the carefree Jennifer is gone and I wish I could get her back. I don’t want to be scared anymore. Even if I am scared, I don’t want it to rule my life.

I don’t want to worry anymore about death. How is that living?

I don’t want to allow this to control me anymore.

Life is difficult and I am just trying to figure out my place in it. I learned with my daughter that you really can’t plan out a damn thing. Well at least my family, we can’t because it rarely ever turns out.

I don’t believe in a spiteful God but sometimes I am just waiting for the second shoe to drop and I know that’s not the right way to think of it.


I am not writing this post for any sort of sympathy and please I don’t need any at all. I really just need to write and express this and perhaps one of you feel this type of anxiety that doesn’t make much sense.

Where does being a fraud come in?

So, how does this idea of being a fraud come in?

Because, think about it.

I was constantly trying to be someone I wasn’t, trying to hold back how I was feeling and trying to live a life that wasn’t sincerely mine. I wanted what everyone wanted although it wasn’t genuine.

All I want is to do what really interests me, write what I want to write and if no one wants to read it, I’ve learned to be okay with it.

Being who you are really meant to be and then living it is truly one of the most liberating feelings that I’ve ever experienced.

So I just want to scream it from the rooftops!



In conclusion

I often ask myself, will I ever be whole again?

Will I ever be “normal” again?

After everything, I’ve realized that the answers are yes.

Yes I will be whole again and yes I will be normal. My normal might be a bit different than it was before, but I do know I will be recognize that woman who looks back in the mirror.

Today as I write this, it’s been a few weeks since my last sleepless night and as much as I hate them, I learn more and more about myself as a woman and a wife. With every terrible moment that I experience, I learn more about who I am as a person.

It might not be the last sleepless night I have, but I know that one day everything will be okay.


Because it always is.

Just be yourself. Always.



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It Needs to Stop

It Needs to Stop

What do we do to ourselves?

I’ve been doing so much thinking this past few months.

After my life has changed and what I feel like is a complete shake down of my existing life to what it is today I’ve learned a few things that I can’t ignore anymore.

I have another post that I will be putting up shortly but to just be really quick about it, it’s about learning what is terribly important in my life and what I really don’t care about.

It seemed that before, I was always trying to put myself into a mold or a shape that I thought would make me happy. I would often say to myself “If I can get to be more like this or that then I know I would feel happier.” How many of you thought that to yourself too? Maybe if I lose some more weight, or if I could get my hair this way or simply input any ridiculous claim to happiness.

Well not to burst a bubble, but I did exactly what I thought would be my one-way ticket to happiness, then I was so sadly mistaken. Instead I felt this huge hole that was not filled but I swear was getting bigger.

I am more than a mold

I am not sure about you, but I find that especially women of today (because I can only speak for myself), that we are forced into thinking we must be a certain way. Either amazing at our career, being a phenomonemal homemaker, extremely smart and also a vixen in bed. But then up at dawn to prepare for the day of course. Pinterest is really good at doing this!

It’s just exhausting and I “see” other women doing it, and that really just brings me down. I think “How the hell are these women so wonderful and I suck?” And it surprises me because I am not a terribly self-conscious woman, although I may not be the most confident, I also am proud of who I am and what I’ve done.

But this sensation of failure that was just getting to me on a daily basis. It was wearing me down.

It was getting to me before I was even up for the day, simply because I wasn’t prepared enough from last night.

Well you know what, after a few days of intense emotions and a night of crying and frustration, I decided to self-seek and truly ask myself what the hell I really wanted.

Was it this?

Did I want to be the most elegant woman to teach others?

Did I want to be the best homemaker, wife, blogger, be incredibly well read and learn a few languages and why not cook up three course dinners every night?

The answer was not only no, but hell no. To be completely honest, there was a part of me that thought why couldn’t I do all this? If only I stayed up later and woke up earlier I could! That is how crazy this ideal woman is!

If you missed it –>Her Name was Gabriella – My Story of Infant Loss

I thought I wanted these things, until I realized that it was giving me heart burn and more.

Even writing it makes my head hurt to even think I could accomplish all of that every damn day!

These expectations we put on ourselve suck the life out of… well life

In my post about it that I’ll publish soon, I go into more depth of the emotional toll it was taking on me. The thing that also really upsets me is that I have a pretty good life, thank God. I am comfortable, I have a husband who truly loves me and we have been through a few things in life that made us closer together.

So why am I still complaining?

Simply for the reason that I was trying to be all this perfection that absolutely no one asked me to be. No one even expected it of me but I did and I wanted to be “that woman”. And that is just not right. I am supposed to love myself the most and give myself all the grace in the world, but instead I was slowly murdering my spirit.

I know I am not the only woman who feels this way. I can’t wait to publish the other post, I will have to warn you that it’s long and it brings up some emotional times that may be a trigger.

When I was writing it, I had actual tears running down my face. It was very interesting moment, I rarely  have that emotion while writing. I let it all out and you know what, it’s time to stop being a fraud.

I am who I am.

Maybe I am not this elegant woman who I always wanted to be. But I am Jennifer and I am who I am. So who’s with me? Who wants to stop being a fraud and live who they truly are. Be happy with what you have and stop trying to force some other thoughts on yourself. Refuse to be that perfect Pinterest woman who has it all, does it all and all with a smile on her face.

You try your hardest, you do your best and you know what I bet everyone thinks the world of you, so now, it’s time to do the same.

You are simply amazing and wonderful and even if you don’t fit into some mold that you’re trying to force yourself in, it’s okay.

You’re perfectly imperfect.

We are all a work-in-progress, but for goodness sake, let’s ease up on ourselves! We don’t have to prove anything to anyone but living a life full of happiness. That is really the best thing you can do for yourself and for your loved ones.

That’s what I’ve realized.

Let’s agree to stop being frauds and live our lives the way we need to, by doing our best and enjoying every simple moment we have. Put on the music you truly love, not the kind that you think you need to listen to. Dance the way you want, sing the way you feel and love your family hard because that’s all that matters.

I just needed to let you guys know what was going on in my head before I put the other post out there! But I hope you will all read it when it comes!


Have a great day ladies!


Happy New Years and Some Resolutions

Happy New Years and Some Resolutions

Hello everyone!

It’s happy new years and some resolutions time!

If you missed my post yesterday, let me say Happy New Year’s again! ??

In today’s video, I am just explaining a few of my resolutions and I share a few tips that can help anyone who is trying to make resolutions but seem to fail every year!


Which I do as well, but I feel more determined than ever this year!


I hope you enjoy the video and if you haven’t already I would love if you could like and subscribe!

If you are having any trouble watching it, you can click here and watch it on YouTube!


I  hope that everyone has a lovely day and let me know in the comments below what are your new year’s resolutions! I would love to hear them!


Have a great day and I’ll see you in tomorrow’s post about overindulging and now what?



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